WHEN LIFE FORCES YOU TO LOOK BEYOND THE SURFACE
Welcome, everyone. There comes a time in life when you have to stop looking at people only for what they bring to the table and start asking yourself what they would do if that table were suddenly empty. It’s easy to love somebody when the money is flowing, the opportunities are endless, the body looks good, the attention is coming from every direction, and the future appears to be filled with promise. But what happens when the music stops, the money slows down, the health begins to fail, and the person you fell in love with no longer looks like the person you first met? That’s when you begin to discover whether somebody was in love with you or simply enjoying the benefits of being around you.
Every day we spend on this earth brings us closer to the end of our journey, and I believe we should use the time we have to understand life a little better. We spend so much time chasing things that look good from the outside, only to discover that some of those things were never designed to bring us lasting happiness. We chase relationships, careers, money, status, physical beauty, and the approval of other people, sometimes without stopping to ask ourselves whether the things we’re pursuing are worth the sacrifices we’re making. We can become so fascinated by what we want that we forget to examine what we actually need.
Recently, I came across a video discussing the personal life of legendary R&B singer Alexander O’Neal. I immediately thought about the beautiful music he gave us, including “All True Man,” “Criticize,” “Fake,” and “If You Were Here Tonight.” His voice has a way of transporting you to another time, bringing back memories of relationships, youthful dreams, late-night conversations, and the emotions that come with being young and in love. But the discussion about his relationships took my mind somewhere much deeper than the music itself. It made me think about the people who enter our lives before we become successful, the people who stand beside us when we’re struggling, and the people who suddenly become interested when they see that we have something they want.
The video presented a story about two significant loves in Alexander’s life: an early relationship that reportedly began before fame entered the picture, and his longtime relationship with Cynthia, the woman who stood beside him through difficult periods and whom he eventually married. We cannot know every private detail of another person’s heart, and I’m not going to pretend that I do. But the contrast presented in that story raises a question that applies to every one of us, whether we’re famous, wealthy, struggling, or simply trying to make it through another day. Who would still choose you if the things that make you attractive to the world suddenly disappeared?
That’s what I want to talk about today. This isn’t just a discussion about a singer, his past, or his marriage. It’s about the difference between being desired and being loved, between attracting attention and building a genuine connection, and between finding someone who enjoys your present circumstances and finding someone who values the human being underneath them. Because if we’re honest with ourselves, many of us have spent years jumping from one relationship to another, believing that we were building something meaningful, only to discover that we were investing our time, energy, money, and emotions into something that was never going to become what we imagined.
WHEN FAME CHANGES THE ROOM
Think about what happens when a person becomes successful. Suddenly, the room looks different. People who barely noticed them before may now want to be around them. Invitations begin to arrive, conversations become friendlier, and people who once had little interest in their lives suddenly want to know what they’re doing. Sometimes those people are sincere, but sometimes they’re attracted to the opportunities that come with the person’s new position. The difficulty is that both kinds of people can smile at you, compliment you, and make you feel wanted. You don’t always know who’s genuine until life gives you a reason to find out.
In Alexander O’Neal’s case, musical success brought public attention, professional obligations, and the demands of a career that included touring and performing. His songs reached audiences far beyond the places where he first began building his musical identity. His success also meant that the private world of relationships had to compete with a public life that demanded time, energy, and attention. A young person entering that environment may find it difficult to understand what success will eventually require of them. The opportunities can be intoxicating, and the attention can make a person believe that the world has suddenly opened its doors because they deserve to walk through every one of them.
I’m not bringing that up to excuse every decision someone makes when they become successful. Being young doesn’t eliminate responsibility, and being tempted doesn’t automatically make a poor decision acceptable. But we should understand that life can change faster than our character develops. A person can spend years dreaming about success, only to discover that they haven’t prepared themselves for the distractions, temptations, and responsibilities that arrive with it. Sometimes the very thing a person prayed for becomes the test they weren’t ready to pass.
And this doesn’t only happen to entertainers. You can be a young man who finally gets a good job, a woman who starts a successful business, a person who earns a degree, or somebody who finally purchases a home after years of struggling. The moment your circumstances improve, the way people respond to you may change. You might become more attractive to people who previously overlooked you. You might receive more invitations, more attention, and more romantic interest than you ever received before. The question is whether you’ll remember who you were before the world started applauding.
NOT EVERYBODY WHO COMES INTO YOUR LIFE COMES FOR YOU
One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that everybody who approaches us has the same intentions we have. We meet someone, enjoy a conversation, feel an attraction, and begin imagining a future together. We think about what we could build, where we could go, and how beautiful life might become if this person stayed beside us. Meanwhile, the other person may be thinking about something entirely different. They may be interested in our money, our connections, our family, our physical appearance, our citizenship, our professional position, or the lifestyle they believe we can provide.
I’m not saying everybody is calculating, dishonest, or looking to take advantage of someone. There are sincere people in this world who genuinely want to love and be loved. But pretending that hidden motives don’t exist is just as foolish as assuming everybody has them. We have to develop the ability to recognize the difference. And that ability doesn’t come from being impressed by somebody’s appearance or listening to the beautiful things they say. It comes from paying attention, asking questions, observing behavior, and allowing time to reveal what words cannot.
You can be famous around the world, known throughout your neighborhood, or simply be the person everybody at your workplace goes to when they need something. There’s always the possibility that someone will become interested in you because of what they believe you can offer. Even a position that seems ordinary to one person might look impressive to somebody else. A manager at a local restaurant might be respected by the people who work beneath them. A person with a reliable car might look like a solution to somebody who is tired of paying for transportation. Someone who owns a home might look like an escape route to somebody who is struggling to afford rent.
The danger begins when we mistake somebody’s interest in our circumstances for genuine interest in our character. They may love the way you make them feel, the things you buy, the places you take them, or the security they experience while they’re around you. But do they know you? Do they understand your fears, your weaknesses, your values, your disappointments, and the things you’re still trying to overcome? And if they know those things, do they accept the reality of who you are, or are they simply waiting for the benefits to outweigh the inconvenience?
These are questions worth asking before you hand somebody the keys to your life. You don’t need to become suspicious of every kind gesture or treat every new relationship like a criminal investigation. But you do need to understand that access to you is valuable. Your time is valuable. Your peace is valuable. Your emotional energy is valuable. You shouldn’t give those things away simply because somebody has learned how to say the right words at the right moment.
THE LION WITH THE THORN IN ITS PAW
I often think about the story of a lion walking around with a thorn lodged in its paw. The lion is powerful, frightening to look at, and capable of defending itself under normal circumstances. But the thorn has left it in pain, and it needs help. Someone comes along and removes the thorn. The lion experiences relief, and the person has performed a good deed without asking for anything in return. There’s no hidden arrangement, no secret payment, and no plan to take advantage of the animal’s moment of weakness. The help is sincere.
Now think about how that story applies to human relationships. Sometimes we meet people when we’re hurting. Maybe our finances are falling apart, we’ve recently lost somebody we love, we’re recovering from a painful breakup, or we’re struggling with a problem we don’t know how to solve. We’re carrying an emotional thorn, and it hurts every time we take another step. Then somebody comes along and offers assistance. They listen to us, encourage us, help us solve a problem, or make us feel as though we’re no longer facing the world alone.
That kind of support can be beautiful. A sincere person doesn’t need to be rich or powerful to make a difference in somebody else’s life. Sometimes a conversation, a small act of kindness, or a little financial help can mean more than the giver realizes. But we also have to recognize that not everybody who offers to remove our thorn is doing it because they care about our pain. Some people see our vulnerability as an opportunity to gain access to us. They understand that when we’re hurting, we’re more likely to welcome somebody who offers relief.
Imagine that your bills have become overwhelming. You’re struggling to maintain your apartment, and you’re worried about how you’re going to keep everything together. Then you meet someone who suggests that you move in together. They explain that sharing expenses will make life easier for both of you. The arrangement sounds practical, and the companionship feels good. But what happens if one person is looking at the arrangement as a way to gain control, secure housing, or create a relationship that the other person never fully intended to enter?
The help may have been real, but the motive may not have been what you believed. That’s why you must take time to understand what you’re entering. Gratitude is not a romantic obligation. Somebody helping you doesn’t mean you owe them your body, your future, or a permanent place in your life. You can appreciate a person’s kindness while still asking whether the relationship is right for you. And if you’re the person offering help, you must also be honest with yourself about whether you’re giving freely or quietly expecting something in return.
The lion’s thorn reminds us that a person can arrive in our lives at precisely the moment we need help, but the timing alone doesn’t prove that the person is meant to stay. Sometimes they’re a genuine blessing. Sometimes they’re an important lesson. The responsibility is ours to discover the difference without becoming so hardened by past disappointments that we can no longer recognize sincere love when it finally appears.
THE RELATIONSHIP THAT NEVER BECAME WHAT YOU IMAGINED
How many relationships have we entered believing that we were building something that would last? How many times have we looked at somebody and thought, “This is the one. This is the person I’m going to grow old with. This is the person who understands me”? We begin making plans, sharing our time, opening our homes, and investing our emotions. We may even start building our financial lives around the idea that this person will be there for the long haul. Then, sometimes before we fully understand what happened, the relationship ends.
When we look back, we may realize that we spent months or years moving from one situation to another, hoping that the next person would finally provide the connection we wanted. We leapfrog from one relationship to the next, carrying unresolved pain from the previous one into the next encounter. We tell ourselves that this time will be different, but we haven’t necessarily learned how to choose differently. We’re still responding to the same attractions, ignoring the same warning signs, and confusing the same temporary feelings with the beginning of something permanent.
I’m not saying that every failed relationship was a waste. Sometimes a relationship teaches you something important about yourself. Sometimes you discover a boundary you didn’t know you needed. Sometimes you learn that two good people can want different things or that love alone cannot solve every problem. But there’s a difference between learning from an experience and repeating the same experience because you’re unwilling to examine your choices.
Think about what else you could have done with the time, money, and energy you invested in relationships that were never right for you. How many classes could you have taken? How much money could you have saved? Could you have started a business, purchased a property, improved your health, or developed a skill that might have changed the direction of your life? I’m not suggesting that relationships are a distraction from success. A good relationship can strengthen you, encourage you, and help you achieve things you might struggle to accomplish alone. But a destructive relationship can consume the very resources you need to build a better future.
The point isn’t to calculate the value of every relationship in dollars and cents. The point is to recognize that our choices have consequences beyond the immediate pleasure or pain we experience. When you repeatedly invest in people who don’t share your values, your energy becomes scattered. You may spend years recovering from one disappointment after another while other parts of your life remain neglected. And when you finally stop and look around, you might wonder where all that time went.
That’s why I believe we need to slow down. We need to stop treating every new attraction like an emergency and every promising conversation like a reason to rearrange our lives. You can enjoy getting to know somebody without deciding that they must become your permanent partner. You can feel attraction without surrendering your judgment. And you can appreciate a beautiful beginning without assuming that you’ve already seen the whole story.
DATING IS NOT A COMMITMENT TO A FUTURE YOU HAVEN’T EXAMINED
Let’s talk about dating, because I think many people have confused the process of getting to know somebody with the obligation to become deeply involved with them. Dating should be a period of discovery. You spend time together, have conversations, share experiences, and observe how you feel in each other’s company. You might go to dinner, attend an event, watch a movie, or go shopping. You’re finding out whether the connection has substance beyond the initial attraction.
Think about trying on an outfit in a clothing store. You see something on the rack that catches your eye, so you take it into the dressing room and try it on. It may look beautiful on the hanger. It may be the exact color you wanted, and it may seem perfect for an upcoming event. But once you put it on, something doesn’t feel right. Maybe the fit is uncomfortable, the style doesn’t suit you, or the outfit simply doesn’t look the way you imagined. You take it off, return it to the rack, and keep looking. Nobody has been betrayed. Nobody has been wronged. You were exploring a possibility, and you discovered that it wasn’t right for you.
Getting to know a potential partner should involve that same willingness to discover the truth. You’re not shopping for a human being as though people were objects. You’re learning whether two individuals can build a healthy relationship together. You may discover that somebody is attractive but incompatible with your values. You may enjoy their company but realize that your goals are too different. You may find that the connection is pleasant without being deep enough to support a lasting partnership. Those discoveries aren’t failures. They’re part of the reason you take time to get to know somebody in the first place.
The trouble begins when we behave as though a few dates, a few romantic conversations, or a strong physical attraction mean that we must immediately become emotionally and physically entangled. Some people move so quickly that they haven’t even learned how the other person handles disappointment, disagreement, or responsibility before they’ve already built expectations around the relationship. Then, when reality appears, they feel betrayed by information they never took the time to discover.
And let’s be honest about how people present themselves when they’re trying to attract someone. You might spend extra time getting dressed, make sure your car is clean, choose your best clothes, and put more effort into your appearance because you want to make a good impression. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all want to present ourselves well. But there’s a difference between putting your best foot forward and creating a false picture of who you are.
At what point do you begin letting the other person see the real you? When do you discuss your financial responsibilities, family obligations, emotional wounds, health concerns, habits, and expectations? When do you reveal the things you’re working on rather than only the things you’re proud of? You don’t have to disclose every painful detail of your life on the first date, but you must eventually allow honesty to replace performance. Otherwise, both people may fall in love with an image that cannot survive ordinary life.
WHEN LUST STARTS MAKING YOUR DECISIONS
Years ago, when I was doing some bouncing at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida, I witnessed something that stayed with me. I was working alongside some big, intimidating men, but my strength wasn’t just physical. I was quick, and I knew how to talk people down when I sensed a situation was about to get out of hand. My job put me in a position to observe people as they entered the club, interacted with one another, and sometimes made decisions based on the first thing that caught their attention.
One night, a woman walked into the club with several of her girlfriends. She was an attractive woman with a striking figure, and her clothing made sure that people noticed her. A man standing near me saw her and immediately began talking about how beautiful her body was. He became so excited by her appearance that he announced he would marry her. He didn’t know her personality, her values, her history, or anything about the kind of person she might be in a relationship. He didn’t know whether she was kind, dishonest, responsible, cruel, generous, or emotionally stable. All he knew was that he liked what he saw.
I remember thinking about how quickly physical attraction had taken over his judgment. He was already imagining a permanent future with a woman he had never met simply because her appearance had stirred something in him. What if she turned out to be completely incompatible with him? What if they couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation? What if their values clashed or she treated him poorly? He hadn’t considered any of those possibilities. His imagination had already written a love story, and the woman hadn’t even spoken to him.
Now, I’m not going to stand here and pretend that men don’t notice physical beauty. I’m a heterosexual man, and I understand attraction. Having spent years involved in bodybuilding, I can appreciate a well-developed physique. I can recognize when someone takes care of their body. There’s nothing wrong with noticing that another person is attractive. The problem begins when attraction becomes the only evidence we need to convince ourselves that somebody would make a good partner.
The same principle applies when a woman becomes interested in a man because he drives an expensive car, dresses well, has an impressive job, or appears to have money. Perhaps she sees him arrive in a luxury vehicle and immediately imagines the vacations, shopping trips, and comfortable lifestyle she believes he can provide. But the vehicle could be rented. The clothes could be purchased on credit. The person could be deeply in debt. Even if the money is real, none of those things tells her whether he is honest, respectful, dependable, or capable of loving somebody beyond what they can do for him.
We can be attracted to the outside of a person while knowing almost nothing about the inside. We can be fascinated by what someone possesses without understanding what it took to acquire it or what kind of person they became along the way. And we can convince ourselves that a strong physical reaction is evidence of a deep emotional connection when all we’ve experienced is attraction.
That’s where we need to become more honest with ourselves. Attraction may open the door, but it shouldn’t be allowed to make every decision after that. A beautiful face cannot guarantee a peaceful home. A strong body cannot guarantee loyalty. A bank account cannot guarantee character. And sexual chemistry, no matter how intense, cannot tell you whether somebody will stand beside you when life becomes difficult.
THE MAN WHO KEPT MOVING BETWEEN TWO WOMEN
I once helped a man I knew move his belongings from the apartment he shared with his wife. We weren’t extremely close, but we had a friendly relationship, and he knew I had a truck. He asked what I would charge to help him move, and I gave him a fair price. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of his situation. I had expenses and needed to account for my time, but I also understood that sometimes people need a little help from someone who is willing to be reasonable.
When we arrived at the apartment, I could sense that something was wrong between him and his wife. They barely spoke to each other, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable. I wasn’t there to investigate their marriage, so I kept my business to myself. We loaded his belongings, drove to another location, and unloaded everything. That’s when I discovered that he was moving in with another woman.
The new woman seemed very pleased to see him. She was warm, affectionate, and welcoming, and the man appeared excited about his new circumstances. He even paid me more than we had agreed upon. I thanked him, finished the job, and went about my life. I didn’t ask for an explanation because his relationship wasn’t my business. But a few days later, he contacted me again and asked whether I could help him move back.
I thought I had misunderstood him. He wanted to return to the wife he had just left. Then, before long, he asked me to help him move back to the other woman. The pattern continued, and I eventually found myself wondering whether he understood the damage he was causing or whether he was so caught up in the moment that he couldn’t think beyond his immediate desires. Each move represented another decision, another disruption, and another opportunity for somebody to get hurt.
What struck me was how easily attraction appeared to be controlling his choices. He had become fascinated with the new woman, but he hadn’t taken the time to think through what he was abandoning or what he was building in its place. He was moving his physical belongings back and forth while his emotional life seemed to be following the same unstable path. I could see the potential for serious conflict, and I eventually decided that I didn’t want to be involved in the situation anymore.
I also knew that the wife had been there through difficult periods in his life. She had been part of his story before the excitement of the new relationship came along. That doesn’t mean she was perfect or that their marriage could never have had legitimate problems. I didn’t know every private detail of their relationship, and it wouldn’t have been fair for me to pretend otherwise. But the experience made me think about how easily people can abandon a person who has invested years in them because someone new has awakened their desires.
Sometimes the new person isn’t necessarily offering a deeper connection. They’re offering a different feeling. They’re offering excitement, novelty, flattery, and the pleasure of being desired. A person who has become bored with ordinary life may mistake that excitement for proof that the new relationship is better. But the fact that something feels new doesn’t mean it’s more meaningful, and the fact that something feels exciting doesn’t mean it can sustain a life together.
That experience taught me to question the difference between what we want in a moment and what we actually want our lives to become. A temporary feeling can produce permanent consequences. And if we keep allowing our desires to make decisions that our judgment hasn’t examined, we may spend years trying to undo damage that could have been avoided by slowing down and thinking clearly.
WHEN THE PERSON WHO BUILT YOU GETS FORGOTTEN
One of the saddest patterns in human relationships is the way some people behave after they become successful. A man may meet a woman when he’s struggling to find his direction. She believes in him, encourages him, helps him through difficult times, and supports the plans he has for the future. Perhaps she works extra hours so they can pay their bills. Perhaps she sacrifices things she would enjoy because she believes in the life they’re trying to build together. Maybe she stands beside him while he goes to school, starts a business, or tries to establish himself in a career.
Over time, his circumstances improve. The business begins to make money. The degree opens doors. The job brings a better salary. The man who once worried about paying his bills can now afford things he never imagined owning. People begin to notice him. He receives compliments, gains confidence, and discovers that his improved circumstances have made him more attractive to others. But somewhere along the way, he may begin telling himself that he accomplished everything alone.
He remembers the hours he worked, the decisions he made, and the obstacles he overcame. Those things are real, and he deserves recognition for his own effort. But he may forget the person who helped him survive the years when success was still a distant dream. He may forget the sacrifices that were made quietly, the opportunities she postponed, and the emotional support that allowed him to keep going when things weren’t working out.
Then someone new comes along. She sees the successful man, the nice car, the impressive lifestyle, the confident personality, and the outward signs of achievement. She may not know the years of struggle behind that image. She sees the finished product, not the process that created it. And the man, intoxicated by the attention, may begin to believe that the new woman appreciates him more than the partner who has been beside him all along.
But what exactly does the new person love? Does she understand the man who existed before the success? Has she seen him struggling, discouraged, uncertain, or afraid? Has she watched him work through difficult problems when there was no guarantee that his efforts would pay off? Or is she attracted to the version of him that emerged after somebody else helped him build a better life?
We must be careful here because people are allowed to outgrow relationships, and nobody should be forced to remain in a partnership that has become unhealthy. The person who supported you doesn’t automatically become entitled to your future, and past sacrifices don’t erase present problems. But if somebody has genuinely loved you, helped you, and shared the burden of building your life, you should never dismiss that contribution simply because somebody new has caught your eye.
A person can become so fascinated by the attention they receive after achieving success that they forget the difference between being admired and being understood. Admiration often arrives when people can see what you’ve accomplished. Understanding develops when someone has taken the time to know who you are. If you confuse those two things, you may abandon a relationship with real substance for a new connection that has never been tested by the responsibilities of ordinary life.
And the person who enters that new relationship should also ask themselves whether they’re being appreciated for who they are or simply enjoying the benefits of someone else’s success. You might think you’ve found a wonderful partner, but you may actually be responding to the status, money, confidence, and lifestyle that were built through years of effort and sacrifice. You need to know the person behind those things before you decide that you’ve found the love of your life.
THE DANNON YOGURT TEST
Here’s another way I like to explain why we must take our time getting to know people. Years ago, the kind of Dannon yogurt I remember had the fruit preserves sitting at the bottom of the container, underneath the plain yogurt. You couldn’t fully appreciate the flavor until you took a spoon and stirred everything together. If you simply ate what was sitting at the top, you might have thought you were eating plain yogurt when there was a completely different experience waiting underneath.
People are much more complicated than a container of yogurt, but the comparison makes an important point. You cannot know the full character of a person by looking at the surface. You have to spend time with them, observe their behavior, and see how they respond when circumstances change. You have to discover what happens when they’re disappointed, when they’re told no, when they don’t get their way, or when somebody challenges an opinion they feel strongly about.
Some people are pleasant when everything is going their way. They’re affectionate when they’re happy, generous when they have plenty, and agreeable when they believe the relationship is giving them what they want. But let a serious disagreement develop, and you may see a completely different side of them. Suddenly, the person who appeared patient becomes cruel. The person who seemed generous becomes controlling. The person who claimed to value honesty begins lying because the truth might cost them something.
Sometimes those qualities were there all along, but you never had a reason to see them. Other times, people change under pressure, and you discover that they haven’t developed the emotional skills needed to handle difficult situations. Either way, you learn something important about the relationship. The challenge is recognizing what you’ve learned instead of explaining away every warning sign because you’re afraid of losing the person.
You don’t need to create artificial tests or deliberately provoke somebody to discover their character. Life will provide enough ordinary situations to show you how a person behaves. Pay attention to how they treat people who cannot benefit them. Notice whether they accept responsibility when they’re wrong. Observe how they respond to disappointment, how they handle money, and whether their actions match their words. Watch how they talk about former partners, family members, coworkers, and people who disagree with them.
Most importantly, notice whether you feel safe being honest with them. Can you express a concern without being punished for it? Can you disagree without every disagreement becoming a threat to the relationship? Can you tell them that something hurt you without having your feelings dismissed or turned against you? A relationship doesn’t need to be free of conflict to be healthy, but both people must be willing to handle conflict without destroying each other.
Don’t allow an attractive exterior to convince you that you’ve already discovered the flavor underneath. Take your time. Stir the contents, so to speak. Let circumstances reveal what the surface cannot tell you. Because a mistaken assumption can cost you more than a disappointing meal. It can cost you years of your life, your peace of mind, your savings, and the trust you once had in yourself.
THE SOCIAL MEDIA CLASSROOM IS TEACHING US WHAT TO WANT
We now live in a world where people can watch hundreds of short videos in a single sitting, each one presenting another version of what love, money, beauty, and success are supposed to look like. Some videos portray relationships as contests in which one person must prove their value by paying for everything. Others suggest that physical appearance, expensive gifts, luxury vehicles, and social status are the main signs of a desirable partner. Then there are videos that turn every disagreement into a reason to leave, every compromise into weakness, and every ordinary struggle into evidence that somebody has failed.
I call this the accelerated classroom of social media because it teaches people ideas about life before they have enough experience to evaluate what they’re being shown. Young people can watch these performances long before they understand the responsibilities of a serious relationship. They may absorb the attitudes of older relatives, influencers, and strangers who present their opinions as universal truths. Eventually, the repeated messages can begin to shape what they expect from love and what they believe they must offer to be considered worthy of it.
The problem isn’t that social media is always bad or that every person who posts about relationships is dishonest. There are useful lessons, thoughtful conversations, and genuine stories being shared every day. The problem is that a performance can be mistaken for reality, especially when the performance is entertaining, attractive, and repeated often enough. We begin comparing our ordinary lives with somebody else’s carefully selected highlights, and we may decide that our relationships are inadequate because they don’t resemble what we see on a screen.
A person may watch a video in which a man impresses a woman by revealing an expensive car after she rejects him. The woman suddenly changes her attitude, smiles, and becomes interested. The message is clear: once she sees the vehicle, she realizes that the man is desirable after all. But what has actually been demonstrated? Has she learned anything about his character? Has he discovered anything about hers? Or have both of them revealed that material possessions can change the way they evaluate another person?
Those videos can be entertaining, but they also invite us to examine ourselves. Would you treat somebody differently if you discovered that they had more money than you initially thought? Would you suddenly become interested in someone because you learned about their professional position or family connections? Would you overlook a person’s character because they possessed the body, lifestyle, or appearance you had been dreaming about? These questions aren’t comfortable, but they’re worth asking.
We must also be careful about the expectations we pass on to children and young adults. They are watching how we handle relationships, how we speak about former partners, and how we respond when people disappoint us. They hear conversations that adults may assume are beyond their understanding, but children often absorb far more than we realize. They may not understand every detail, but they can still learn to associate love with money, conflict with disrespect, and physical attraction with personal worth.
If we want healthier relationships in the future, we have to teach people how to recognize character rather than simply how to attract attention. We must show them that a person can be beautiful without being compatible, successful without being trustworthy, and charming without being sincere. We must also teach them that their own worth doesn’t depend on how many people desire them or how much money somebody is willing to spend to keep them around.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LONG RELATIONSHIP AND A LOVING ONE
There’s another point we need to discuss, because people sometimes use the number of years they’ve spent together as proof that their relationship must be strong. They’ll say they’ve been married for twenty years or have been together for three decades, as though the length of the relationship automatically tells us everything we need to know about its quality. But time alone cannot prove that two people are still emotionally connected.
Some couples remain together because they genuinely love one another and have learned how to work through life’s challenges. Others stay together because of financial pressure, family expectations, fear of being alone, or the belief that starting over would be too difficult. There are people who remain in relationships while quietly hoping that something better will eventually come along. They may continue sharing a home, attending family gatherings, and presenting a united front while their emotional connection has weakened or disappeared.
We cannot look at a couple from the outside and assume we know what exists between them. A beautiful wedding doesn’t guarantee a healthy marriage, and a couple who appears happy in public may be struggling privately. Likewise, a couple who doesn’t display affection for the world to see may have a deep and stable connection that nobody else fully understands. We must be careful about judging relationships by appearances because appearances are only a small part of the story.
The important question is whether both people are still choosing one another with honesty and intention. Are they communicating? Are they making room for each other’s needs? Are they willing to address problems rather than allowing resentment to grow? Do they respect each other when they’re angry? Are they still investing in the relationship, or are they simply occupying the same space because leaving would be inconvenient?
Commitment doesn’t mean that you must tolerate abuse, betrayal, or endless disrespect. It doesn’t mean ignoring serious problems or sacrificing your well-being to maintain the appearance of a successful relationship. But it does mean understanding that every lasting partnership will face periods when things aren’t easy. Bodies change. Financial circumstances shift. People get sick. Parents grow older. Children require attention. Careers bring stress, and life introduces challenges that nobody could have predicted at the beginning.
A relationship built only on convenience or physical attraction may struggle when those things change. A relationship built on friendship, respect, shared values, and genuine care has a stronger foundation from which to face those changes. Neither person has to be perfect, but both must be willing to keep learning about themselves and one another. Love isn’t proven by the absence of problems. It’s revealed in the way people respond when problems arrive.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LOVE SOMEBODY AT THEIR WORST?
This is where the discussion returns to Alexander O’Neal and his longtime relationship with Cynthia. The short video that inspired my commentary portrayed her as someone who remained beside him through difficult periods involving addiction and personal struggles. Public reporting confirms that their relationship lasted for decades before they married in 2024. I cannot tell you every private detail of their life together, and I won’t pretend to know what happened behind closed doors. But the broader question raised by that story deserves our attention.
What does it mean to love somebody when they are no longer at their best? It’s easy to admire a person who is successful, confident, financially secure, and admired by others. It’s another thing to remain emotionally invested when that person is struggling, when the future looks uncertain, or when the problems affecting them begin to affect you as well. Loving somebody through hardship requires more than enjoying the good moments. It requires honesty about what the hardship is doing to both people.
We must also be careful not to turn loyalty into an obligation to endure everything. Supporting someone through addiction or mental health struggles doesn’t mean accepting abuse, ignoring danger, or sacrificing your own health indefinitely. Genuine love can include boundaries, difficult conversations, professional help, and decisions that protect both people. Sometimes supporting a person means standing beside them while they work toward recovery. Sometimes it means recognizing that you cannot make their choices for them. And sometimes it means stepping away from a situation that has become unsafe or destructive.
But within those boundaries, there’s something powerful about a person who sees your flaws and still recognizes your humanity. Someone who doesn’t reduce you to your worst mistake. Someone who can tell you the truth without humiliating you. Someone who wants you to become healthier and stronger rather than simply making you feel comfortable. That kind of love doesn’t pretend your problems don’t exist. It recognizes them and asks whether both people are willing to do the work required to move forward.
We should ask ourselves whether we’re capable of offering that same kind of love. Many people want somebody who will accept their imperfections, understand their past, and stand beside them through difficult times. But are we willing to show the same patience when our partner is struggling? Can we offer understanding without becoming controlling? Can we communicate our needs without turning every disappointment into an attack? Can we support somebody else’s growth while also accepting responsibility for our own?
It’s easy to demand loyalty when we’re the ones receiving it. It’s much harder to practice loyalty when we’re tired, disappointed, tempted, or faced with an opportunity that appears more exciting than what we already have. That’s why the question isn’t only whether somebody will stand beside you at your worst. The question is whether you have developed the character to appreciate them when your circumstances improve, and whether you’re prepared to stand beside them when life eventually turns its challenges in their direction.
THE EMOTIONAL BAGS WE BRING THROUGH THE DOOR
Every one of us has a history. We’ve experienced disappointments, made mistakes, suffered losses, and developed ways of protecting ourselves from being hurt again. Some of those experiences helped us grow. Others left emotional scars that we may still be carrying years later. We might look completely fine on the outside while holding memories that continue to influence the way we trust, communicate, and respond to people who care about us.
I often imagine a person arriving at somebody’s front door with a collection of heavy garbage bags. The person standing at the door looks attractive, smiles warmly, and appears ready to begin a new chapter. But behind them are all these bags filled with unresolved anger, insecurity, jealousy, fear, resentment, dishonesty, and pain from previous relationships. The person opening the door may not realize what they’re about to inherit because those bags weren’t visible during the first few conversations.
Of course, having emotional baggage doesn’t make somebody unworthy of love. We all carry something, and nobody should expect a partner who has lived a full life to arrive without a history. The issue is whether we’re willing to acknowledge what we’re carrying and take responsibility for how it affects others. There is a difference between telling somebody that you’ve been hurt and expecting them to spend the rest of their life paying for what another person did to you.
If you’ve been betrayed, it’s understandable that trusting again may take time. If you’ve experienced rejection, you may become sensitive to signs that somebody is losing interest. If you’ve grown up around conflict, you may have difficulty believing that disagreement can happen without a relationship falling apart. These reactions deserve understanding, but they also deserve attention. You cannot build a healthy future if every new person is forced to fight against the memories of somebody who came before them.
The same applies to anger, jealousy, addiction, financial irresponsibility, and the habits we develop when we’re trying to avoid discomfort. We have to be willing to look at ourselves honestly and ask whether our behavior is helping us build the kind of relationship we claim to want. It’s not enough to demand a patient partner if we refuse to work on our own impatience. It’s not enough to ask for honesty if we continue hiding the truth when it becomes inconvenient.
Take time to understand your own history before you ask another person to become part of your future. If you know that certain experiences still affect you, acknowledge them. If you need support, seek it. If you’ve developed habits that damage relationships, work on changing them. You don’t have to be completely healed before you can love somebody, but you do need to be willing to take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
And when you begin getting to know someone new, allow them the opportunity to reveal their history as well. You don’t have to demand every private detail immediately, but you should eventually have honest conversations about the experiences, responsibilities, and expectations that may affect your future together. The goal isn’t to find a person without scars. The goal is to find someone who understands their scars, respects yours, and is willing to build something healthy without making either person responsible for healing everything alone.
TAKE YOUR TIME, BUT DON’T CLOSE YOUR HEART
I want people to understand that taking your time doesn’t mean becoming cold, suspicious, or afraid of love. It doesn’t mean spending the rest of your life searching for a perfect person who doesn’t exist. It means allowing your feelings and your judgment to work together instead of letting one overpower the other. You can be excited about somebody while remaining observant. You can be affectionate without making promises you aren’t ready to keep. You can enjoy the beginning of a relationship without pretending you already know how the story will end.
Get to know the person’s family and friends when appropriate. Pay attention to how they handle ordinary responsibilities. Learn about their values, their goals, their approach to money, and their expectations for a relationship. Notice whether they respect your boundaries and whether they can accept that you have a life outside the relationship. Observe how they respond when you disagree with them or when circumstances prevent you from giving them what they want.
And don’t be afraid to state your own boundaries. You have the right to explain what you will accept, what you cannot tolerate, and what kind of relationship you’re hoping to build. You should also be willing to listen when the other person expresses their needs. A healthy relationship isn’t one person writing the rules while the other person follows them. It’s two people deciding whether their values and expectations are compatible enough to build a shared life.
Sometimes, taking your time will reveal that the person you’re getting to know isn’t right for you. That can be disappointing, especially when you were hoping for something meaningful. But discovering incompatibility before you have built your entire life around someone is often far less painful than discovering it after years of commitment. You don’t have to turn every disappointment into a personal failure. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is accept what you’ve learned and move forward.
You must also recognize that discernment works both ways. While you’re evaluating whether somebody is right for you, they’re learning whether you’re right for them. You cannot demand transparency while remaining dishonest about your own circumstances. You cannot ask somebody to respect your time while repeatedly disregarding theirs. And you cannot expect a person to trust you if your actions consistently contradict your promises. The relationship you want begins with the character you’re willing to bring into it.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to avoid every heartbreak. Nobody can guarantee that. People change, circumstances shift, and sometimes relationships end despite the best intentions of both people. The goal is to make thoughtful choices, recognize warning signs, communicate honestly, and stop repeating patterns that leave us wondering why we keep ending up in the same painful situations. That’s how experience becomes wisdom rather than simply another collection of disappointments.
THE QUESTION YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF
When I think about the story that inspired this discussion, I keep returning to one question: would the people who desire us today still want us if our circumstances changed tomorrow? Would they stay if the money disappeared, if we lost our jobs, if our bodies changed, if illness affected our lives, or if the confident person they admired suddenly became frightened and uncertain? We cannot demand that another person promise to remain under every possible circumstance, but we can pay attention to whether their love is rooted in something deeper than the benefits they currently receive.
We should also ask ourselves whether we’re capable of giving that kind of love. Do we appreciate people who stood beside us when we were struggling, or do we forget them when new opportunities appear? Do we treat our partners as human beings with changing needs, or do we value them only when they satisfy our expectations? Are we willing to work through ordinary difficulties, or do we constantly imagine that a better person must be waiting somewhere else?
These questions are uncomfortable because they force us to examine both sides of the relationship. It’s easy to talk about the people who used us, deceived us, or abandoned us. It’s harder to admit the times we were selfish, impatient, dishonest, or more interested in what somebody could give us than in who they were. But we cannot build better relationships if we’re unwilling to examine our own behavior. The truth must apply to us, too.
Life is too short to spend all our time chasing attention from people who don’t know us, maintaining relationships that have become empty, or sacrificing our peace to preserve appearances. We deserve relationships built on respect, honesty, affection, and mutual effort. We deserve to be appreciated for our character, not merely our income, appearance, connections, or usefulness. And we must be willing to offer those same qualities to the people we invite into our lives.
So take your time. Pay attention to what people do, not only what they say. Learn to recognize the difference between a person who wants to share your life and a person who simply wants to enjoy what your life can provide. Don’t let lust make decisions that require wisdom, and don’t let the fear of being alone convince you to accept a relationship that repeatedly damages your sense of self. A beautiful beginning is wonderful, but a healthy future requires more than a beautiful beginning.
At the end of the day, the greatest blessing isn’t having the most attractive partner, the most expensive home, or the most impressive relationship to display before the world. It’s having someone who knows you, respects you, and genuinely wants to build something meaningful with you, while you offer that same commitment in return. If you find that kind of love, appreciate it. If you’re still searching, don’t become discouraged, but don’t abandon your discernment either. And if you discover that you haven’t yet become the kind of partner you’re hoping to find, use that knowledge as a reason to grow. Because the question isn’t only who will love you when you’re at your worst. It’s also whether you’ll recognize, respect, and return that love when it finally comes your way.
