WHEN BEING A MAN BECOMES A RACE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH
There’s a conversation about Black men that rarely gets examined deeply enough because people often want to talk about the crime, the prison sentence, the bad decision, or the relationship conflict without asking what was happening inside the man before everything fell apart. During my years working inside both a jail and a prison, I saw enough to make me question whether some of the decisions that eventually put men behind bars were really beginning at the moment of the crime. Sometimes the crime looked like the beginning of the story, but it may have actually been the end of a much longer psychological journey involving money, masculinity, relationships, insecurity, status, and the desperate need to feel like a man who matters.
I’m not saying every Black man in prison got there because of a woman, and I’m certainly not saying women are responsible for men’s criminal behavior. A grown man has to own his decisions, period. What I’m talking about is another layer that deserves to be examined because some men aren’t simply chasing money for the sake of having money. They’re chasing what they believe money will allow them to become. They want the car, the clothes, the jewelry, the house, the lifestyle, and sometimes the woman standing beside them because all of those things can become symbols of masculine success in their minds. The woman may become part of the picture that tells the man, and everybody watching him, that he has finally arrived.
That pressure can become especially powerful when a man constantly compares himself to other men. Social media has turned comparison into a psychological environment where somebody can wake up feeling like they’re doing fine and go to sleep believing they’re a failure simply because they spent the entire day looking at other people’s highlight reels. A man sees another man driving an expensive car with an attractive woman beside him, and even when he doesn’t consciously say it, something inside him can whisper, “That’s what a real man looks like.” When he doesn’t have those things, the question can slowly become, “What do I have to do to become that man?”
There’s nothing wrong with wanting more out of life, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to become financially secure, respected, attractive, successful, or capable of providing for somebody you love. Ambition isn’t the enemy. The danger begins when a man becomes so desperate to prove that he’s a man that he becomes willing to destroy the very future he’s trying to build. That’s when ambition can become desperation, and desperation can make foolish decisions look reasonable.
Sometimes the saddest part of the story is that the man doesn’t even realize what’s driving him. He thinks he’s chasing money, but underneath that chase may be the need for validation. He thinks he wants the car, but underneath that desire may be the need to feel respected. He thinks he wants the woman, but underneath that pursuit may be the desire to prove to himself and everybody watching that he’s finally somebody. That’s where I believe this conversation has to go, because if we only look at the final act without examining the psychology that came before it, we miss the deeper lesson.
THE HIDDEN PRESSURE TO BE SOMEBODY
There’s a powerful expectation placed on men to demonstrate their worth through what they can accomplish, earn, provide, protect, and possess. That pressure isn’t limited to Black men, but it can take on a particular weight when a man grows up surrounded by economic struggle, limited opportunity, unstable communities, or images of success that appear completely out of reach. When a young man sees wealth everywhere but doesn’t see a realistic path toward obtaining it, frustration can slowly turn into something much darker.
A young man may not have the education, training, connections, financial resources, or professional experience needed to reach the lifestyle he sees advertised, yet he still sees that lifestyle every single day. He sees it on his phone, in music videos, on television, in advertisements, in entertainment, and throughout social media. The image keeps sending the same message: successful men have money, successful men have beautiful women, successful men have expensive possessions, and successful men command attention. When that message gets repeated often enough, a young man can begin believing that those things aren’t simply rewards for success but proof of his worth as a man.
Now imagine being a young man who wants those things but has no legitimate roadmap for getting there. That’s where shortcuts become seductive. The criminal mind can begin rationalizing things that the responsible mind would normally reject. A man may tell himself that he’s only going to do something illegal one time. He may convince himself that nobody will get hurt. He may believe that everybody else is cheating the system anyway, so why shouldn’t he get his piece? He may even convince himself that he’s doing it for his family, his children, or the woman he loves.
But the destination doesn’t care about the excuse. A robbery can become a prison sentence. An illegal hustle can become a felony conviction. Fraud can destroy a career and a family. Drug activity can put a man into situations where violence becomes part of the business. Suddenly, the man who wanted money to improve his life has lost years of his life trying to obtain the money. That’s the contradiction that needs to be confronted because the shortcut that appears to move a man forward can ultimately take him further backward than he ever imagined.
SOMETIMES THE WOMAN ISN’T THE CAUSE, BUT SHE’S PART OF THE PRESSURE
When I say that some men end up incarcerated “because of a woman,” I’m not talking about a woman physically putting a man behind bars. I’m talking about the psychological role that relationships can sometimes play in a man’s decision-making. A man may want to impress a woman, keep a woman, provide for a woman, compete for a woman, or prove himself worthy of a woman. Those motivations can become powerful enough to influence decisions that would otherwise make little sense.
A man may say that he was trying to get his money up so he could buy her something nice, or that he wanted enough money so they could move into a better place. Another man may admit that he simply wanted to show her that he wasn’t broke, while someone else may believe that having more money would finally make him desirable enough to compete with other men. None of those circumstances excuse criminal behavior, but understanding the motivation can help us understand the behavior. There’s a difference between explaining something and excusing it, and that distinction matters because if we refuse to examine what drives destructive behavior, we’ll keep treating the symptoms while ignoring the deeper problem.
For some men, the woman becomes part of a larger picture of what success looks like. She isn’t necessarily the actual reason for the pursuit, but she can become the symbol attached to it. The car, the money, the clothes, the woman, and the lifestyle can all become one package in the man’s mind. He may see another man with all of these things and believe that the man has achieved something that he hasn’t. The jealousy may not even be directed at the woman herself. It may be directed at what the entire image represents.
That’s why this conversation has to be handled carefully. Not every woman is materialistic, and not every man is motivated by women. Gay men can experience completely different relationship and social pressures, while some men simply aren’t motivated by romantic relationships at all. Human beings are far too complicated to reduce to one explanation. What I’m examining here is a particular pattern that can affect some heterosexual men, especially younger men who are still trying to establish their identities, their careers, their relationships, and their place in the world.
THE MARKETPLACE OF MASCULINITY
Modern society has turned masculinity into something that can be displayed like a product. You can show your car, your house, your watch, your clothes, your vacation, your relationship, your body, your bank account, and practically every achievement you make. Once everything becomes visible, comparison becomes almost unavoidable. A man who may have been perfectly satisfied with his life yesterday can suddenly feel inadequate today because he spent an hour looking at somebody else’s lifestyle online.
That’s especially dangerous for younger men who are still developing their identities. A man in his twenties may still be trying to figure out who he is, what he’s good at, what kind of career he wants, what kind of relationship he wants, and what kind of future he wants. Yet social media can make him feel like he should already have everything figured out. He sees another man who appears successful, surrounded by women, driving an expensive car, traveling constantly, wearing expensive clothes, and enjoying the attention of thousands of followers. What the young man doesn’t see is the debt, the family money, the business expenses, the hidden failures, the staged photographs, or the possibility that the entire lifestyle is exaggerated.
He only sees the image, and eventually the image becomes the standard. That’s how a young man can begin feeling poor even when he isn’t starving, unsuccessful even when he’s making progress, and invisible even when people love him. He can feel inadequate simply because he hasn’t reached an imaginary finish line created by somebody else. The tragedy is that he may then begin making real-life decisions based on an artificial standard that was never designed to reflect his actual circumstances.
MONEY CAN BECOME A SUBSTITUTE FOR SELF-WORTH
Money itself isn’t evil. Money provides choices, and money can create security, help people take care of children, support family, purchase homes, travel, invest, and live with less financial stress. There’s nothing wrong with wanting financial stability. The problem begins when a person starts using money to answer the question, “Am I worthy?” because money can never permanently answer that question.
If a man believes he’s only valuable when he has money, then every financial setback becomes a personal humiliation. If he believes women will only respect him when he has money, then poverty becomes more than an economic condition; it becomes an attack on his identity. That’s when desperation can enter the picture, because the man no longer believes he’s simply trying to improve his finances. He believes he’s trying to save his identity.
A man may start believing that he has to make money quickly because being broke means being undesirable. He may believe that having an expensive car will make him more attractive. He may believe that wearing certain clothes will make people respect him. He may believe that getting a woman will prove that he has finally arrived. But if the foundation is insecurity, no amount of money can provide permanent peace. There will always be another car, another neighborhood, another woman, another watch, another house, and another man to compete against.
The finish line keeps moving because the real problem was never the possessions. The real problem was the belief that the possessions were going to finally make the man feel complete.
THE WOMAN CAN BECOME THE SYMBOL OF SUCCESS
This is where the conversation becomes uncomfortable. For some heterosexual men, especially younger men, romantic attention can become deeply connected to their perception of masculine success. The woman isn’t necessarily the actual goal; sometimes she becomes the symbol of the goal. She represents, in his mind, proof that he made it. He sees a successful man with an attractive woman and may interpret the entire picture as one package. The car says success, the money says success, the woman says success, and the lifestyle says success.
So he doesn’t just want the woman. He wants what he believes having the woman says about him. That’s an important distinction because the psychological pursuit may be less about love and more about validation. A man can become obsessed with what a relationship communicates to the outside world instead of what the relationship actually means to him privately.
Again, not every woman thinks this way, and not every man is motivated by this kind of competition. But for some heterosexual young men, sexual attraction, romantic competition, and the desire to be considered desirable can become powerful forces. When that desire collides with financial insecurity, social comparison, and limited opportunity, the combination can become explosive. A man may begin taking risks not because the woman demanded that he do something illegal, but because he has convinced himself that becoming the kind of man she would want requires him to obtain things he doesn’t yet have.
THE CRIME OF PASSION IS ANOTHER SIDE OF THE SAME PROBLEM
There’s another way relationships can lead men toward prison that has nothing to do with money. A man discovers that the woman he loves has been intimate with someone else. His pride gets wounded, his emotions explode, and his ability to think clearly disappears. He acts in a moment of rage and makes a decision that can follow him for the rest of his life.
Again, the woman didn’t make him commit the crime. He made the decision. But the emotional trigger came through the relationship, and that’s important to acknowledge because men have to learn that betrayal doesn’t give them permission to destroy another person’s life or their own. A relationship can end. A person can walk away. A person can be embarrassed, heartbroken, angry, or humiliated and still choose not to become violent.
That’s part of emotional maturity. Real strength isn’t proving that nobody can disrespect you. Real strength is knowing that somebody else’s behavior doesn’t have the power to control your future. A man who allows another person’s betrayal to determine whether he spends the next twenty years behind bars has surrendered control of his life to the very person he believes hurt him.
THE PRISON SENTENCE CAN LAST LONGER THAN THE RELATIONSHIP
Here’s one of the cruelest realities about making a criminal decision because of a relationship: the relationship may not even survive the consequences. A man can risk ten, twenty, or thirty years of his freedom trying to protect a relationship that may disappear within months. He can commit a crime trying to impress somebody who eventually moves on. He can steal money trying to maintain a lifestyle that nobody remembers once he’s incarcerated.
While he’s sitting behind a locked door, the world keeps moving. The relationship may end, the friends may disappear, children may grow up, technology may change, the economy may change, and his own body may age. The years he sacrificed cannot be purchased back. That’s why emotional control and patience aren’t soft qualities. They’re survival skills.
A man needs to understand that temporary humiliation can become a permanent consequence if he doesn’t control himself. A temporary financial struggle can become a lifetime of regret if he chooses an illegal shortcut. A temporary desire to impress somebody can turn into years of explaining to his children why their father wasn’t there. The decision may take seconds, but the consequences can last for decades.
WE HAVE TO TEACH MEN A DIFFERENT DEFINITION OF SUCCESS
A man needs to understand that being a man isn’t proven by the woman sitting next to him, the car parked outside, or the amount of money in his pocket. Being a man should mean having enough discipline to control yourself when you’re angry, enough patience to build something slowly, and enough wisdom to walk away from something that can destroy your future.
There’s nothing embarrassing about starting at the bottom. There’s nothing shameful about driving an old car, living in a modest apartment, or working an ordinary job while developing a valuable skill. The real embarrassment is destroying your freedom trying to convince strangers that you’re successful. A man who builds his life slowly may not receive applause from social media, but he can wake up free, go to work, develop his skills, improve his education, build his credit, start a business, become a better father, become a better partner, and become a better human being.
That’s real progress, even when nobody is filming it. The strongest foundation is often built when nobody is paying attention. There’s a certain power in knowing that you’re improving your life without needing the entire world to validate your progress. A man who can build quietly is often more dangerous to his old circumstances than the man who constantly performs success for an audience.
STOP TRYING TO LOOK RICH BEFORE YOU BECOME STABLE
One of the biggest traps facing young men today is the desire to look successful before they’ve actually become financially stable. A man may finance a car he can barely afford because he wants people to see him differently. He may spend money on clothing while his savings account is empty. He may borrow money to impress a woman. He may spend his paycheck trying to maintain an image that disappears the moment the money runs out.
That’s not wealth. That’s performance, and performance is expensive. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, but a man should be able to enjoy nice things without becoming their prisoner. If the car owns you, you don’t truly own the car. If the woman owns your identity, you don’t have emotional freedom. If social media determines your self-worth, you’re allowing strangers to control your mind.
A man needs to learn how to build quietly. Sometimes the strongest move is to let people underestimate you while you work. Let them think you’re behind. Let them think your car isn’t impressive. Let them think you don’t have much. Let them underestimate the person you’re becoming while you develop the skills, discipline, knowledge, savings, and character that can eventually change your circumstances.
THE BLACK COMMUNITY HAS TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION
This conversation shouldn’t be used to attack Black men. It should be used to help Black men understand themselves. We need to be able to talk about the pressure without pretending that the pressure doesn’t exist. We need to talk about masculinity without turning masculinity into an insult. We need to talk about relationships without blaming women for men’s decisions. We need to talk about money without teaching young men that possessions equal manhood.
Most importantly, we need to teach young men that their future is worth more than somebody else’s approval. A young man needs to know that he doesn’t have to have the nicest car at twenty-five, compete with somebody who inherited everything, buy affection, risk prison to appear successful, or become violent because somebody hurt his feelings. He doesn’t have to destroy himself trying to prove that he’s a man because becoming a man is a process, not a performance.
That lesson applies across generations because even older men can fall into the same trap. The details may change, but the underlying hunger for recognition can remain the same. One man may chase cars while another chases business success, property, social status, attention, or the approval of younger people. The issue isn’t ambition itself. The issue is whether ambition is coming from healthy growth or from an endless need to prove that you’re worthy.
YOUR WORTH DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PROVEN IN PUBLIC
There’s something powerful about a man who knows who he is when nobody is watching. That man doesn’t need to constantly display his possessions, constantly prove his relationship, photograph every achievement, or compete with every other man. He can simply build. He can make mistakes, learn, lose money and make it back, experience heartbreak and survive it, get rejected and keep moving, and watch another man succeed without believing that somebody else’s success diminishes his own.
That’s maturity. A mature man understands that another man’s success isn’t automatically his failure. He understands that somebody else’s beautiful relationship doesn’t mean he’s unlovable. Somebody else’s expensive car doesn’t mean he’s broke forever. Somebody else’s successful business doesn’t mean there’s no room for him. Somebody else’s accomplishments can actually become evidence that something is possible instead of evidence that he has failed.
Perhaps the most important lesson is that a man’s greatest possession is his freedom to continue becoming the person he wants to be. Once you understand that, you stop risking your entire future for temporary validation. You stop allowing a photograph on a phone screen to determine your worth. You stop allowing another man’s possessions to determine your identity. You stop allowing a relationship to control whether you make rational decisions.
THE REAL MEANING OF MANHOOD
The uncomfortable truth is that some men aren’t committing crimes because they’re naturally bad people. Sometimes they’re making terrible decisions while trying to solve emotional problems with money, status, sex, possessions, or violence. That doesn’t remove responsibility, and it doesn’t erase the harm caused to other people, but it does give us something important to examine. If we want fewer young men entering prisons, we have to understand not only what they did, but what they believed they needed before they did it.
We also have to stop teaching boys that struggling means they’re failures. A young man who doesn’t have money at twenty-five isn’t automatically a loser. A man who has to drive an old car isn’t less of a man. A man who has to build himself slowly isn’t behind. Life isn’t a race against the man next door, the man on television, or the man appearing on a phone screen. The only race that truly matters is the one between the person you are today and the person you’re capable of becoming.
And to the young man who feels like he has to get money by any means necessary just to become desirable, respected, or worthy, understand something before you make a decision that can change your life forever: the woman you’re trying to impress may not be there when the consequences arrive. The people applauding you may disappear when the handcuffs come out. The lifestyle you were chasing may not be worth the years you lose. Don’t trade permanent consequences for temporary applause because the people watching the performance aren’t the ones who will serve your sentence.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful woman, a comfortable home, financial security, nice clothes, a good car, or a better life. Wanting those things can be healthy when they’re pursued through discipline, patience, education, work, and legitimate opportunity. The problem begins when the image becomes more important than the foundation. Don’t build a beautiful-looking life on top of a rotten foundation because eventually the whole thing collapses, and when it does, the people who admired the appearance may not be there to help you rebuild.
At the end of the day, being a man isn’t about proving to the world that you have something. It’s about knowing that you have something inside you that nobody can take away. Your discipline, character, intelligence, patience, ability to recover, and ability to walk away from destruction are worth more than any car, woman, watch, house, or temporary display of wealth. Don’t sacrifice your freedom trying to prove that you’re somebody. Build yourself until you no longer need anybody to believe it, and understand that the strongest man in the room may not be the one with the most possessions. He may be the one who finally understands that his future is worth more than his image.
SCURV
