HOLY ROLLER KNEE-GROW DYSFUNCTIONS...

BLACK CHURCH FOLK GOT A SPECIAL KIND OF CRAZY!

In many African-American families, especially the ones with a history of hardship and struggle, there can be an unspoken jealousy or resentment when younger folks try to do better. This isn’t about every family—but in dysfunctional ones, it’s real. You’ll see it in the way some older relatives or even siblings treat the ones who dare to dream big or move differently.

Let’s talk about how toxic family members sometimes hold others back—whether by words, actions, or attitude.

It Hurts More When It’s Family

The pain hits deeper when it comes from people you trust—your parents, uncles, aunties, even grandparents or siblings. The ones who are supposed to support you might end up being the first ones to clip your wings. Why? Because your growth reminds them of their missed chances, or because they were raised to think struggle equals honor.

Common Things They Say to Discourage You

“Back in my day, we didn’t have it easy like you.”

“You think you’re better than us now?”

“You’re not ready for that kind of responsibility.”

“So where’s the money coming from?”

“That sounds nice, but let’s be real.”

“You always dreaming. You need to be more practical.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“People like us don’t do stuff like that.”

“I tried something like that, and it didn’t work. Don’t waste your time.”

Ways They Sabotage Your Drive Without Saying It Directly

Dismissing your goals as unrealistic

They laugh or roll their eyes when you share your plans, making you second-guess yourself.

Bringing up your past mistakes

They remind you of when you failed before, just to make you feel small.

Comparing you to others who failed

“You’re just like so-and-so. He tried and ended up with nothing.”

Questioning your intelligence or ability

“You sure you can handle that? That’s a lot of work.”

Overloading you with doubt

Instead of helping you think things through, they drown you in fear.

Jealousy Hidden in the Form of Concern

They’ll say it’s love, but it’s really control. You’ll hear:

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Translation: I don’t want you to succeed without me.

“You should wait until you're older.”

Translation: I missed my shot and want you to miss yours too.

“It’s not the right time.”

Translation: I’m uncomfortable with you making moves I never made.

When Siblings Become Silent Haters

Sometimes it’s not just the older folks. Brothers and sisters can get cold too:

Acting uninterested in your success

They never ask how your business, class, or new job is going.

Downplaying your wins

“Anybody can do that. It’s not a big deal.”

Being supportive around others but not in private

Fake claps in public, but no love behind the scenes.

How This All Keeps the Cycle Going

When family shuts down your dreams, you start shrinking yourself. You stop sharing ideas. You keep your plans secret. You doubt your worth. And that’s exactly how dysfunction stays alive—by killing the hope in the next generation.

Breaking Free: Protecting Your Peace and Your Plans

Move in silence.

Not everyone needs to know your next move.

Build a support system outside the family.

Find people who uplift you, not tear you down.

Don’t take it personal.

Their bitterness has more to do with their life than with you.

Stay focused.

Keep your eyes on your goal. Let their doubt fuel your fire.

It’s tough when your own family becomes your biggest roadblock. But just because they don’t see the vision doesn’t mean it’s not real. Your journey is yours—and you have every right to break free from the patterns that held them back.

You are not selfish for wanting better.

You are not wrong for dreaming big.

And you don’t need permission to grow.