THE BLACK COMMUNITY IS TIRED OF PRETENDING
There’s something I’ve been noticing about the Black community that I think we need to have an honest conversation about. We have become extremely good at looking happy. We know how to dress up, take the picture, fix the lighting, find the right angle, put the right caption underneath it and convince everybody watching that our lives are going exactly the way we want them to go. We know how to celebrate the vacation, show the restaurant, display the new clothes, post the relationship, show the children, talk about the money and make everything look beautiful. But behind some of those pictures, there are people who are exhausted, lonely, frustrated, insecure and wondering when they’re finally going to feel as good as they look.
That’s what makes this conversation so important. I’m not saying that every smiling picture is fake, and I’m certainly not saying that Black people aren’t happy. There are plenty of people who are genuinely enjoying their lives, and they should. The problem starts when looking happy becomes more important than actually being happy. There’s a difference between enjoying a beautiful moment and feeling pressure to constantly prove to everybody else that your life is beautiful. One comes from joy. The other comes from performance.
We’re living in a time when people can create an entire public identity without allowing anybody to see what’s really happening behind the scenes. Somebody can be struggling financially while posting pictures that make them look wealthy. Somebody can be lonely while constantly posting pictures surrounded by people. Somebody can be miserable in a relationship while posting romantic photographs. Somebody can be struggling with their self-esteem while presenting themselves online as completely confident. Somebody can be emotionally exhausted while telling everybody else to “stay positive.” After a while, you start wondering whether we’re actually living our lives or simply managing an image of our lives.
And I think young people are carrying an especially heavy burden because they’ve grown up in a world where comparison never turns off. You can wake up in the morning, pick up your phone and immediately see somebody younger than you who seems richer than you, more attractive than you, more successful than you, more popular than you, more desirable than you and happier than you. Before you’ve even brushed your teeth, you’ve already been given a list of reasons to feel like you’re falling behind.
That’s not a small thing. That can get inside a person’s head. It can change the way they see themselves. It can make somebody who’s doing perfectly fine believe that they’re failing because they’re comparing their real life to somebody else’s edited presentation. And once that comparison becomes part of your daily thinking, you can start living for an audience that may not even care about you as much as you think they do.
WHEN DID HAPPINESS BECOME A PERFORMANCE?
There was a time when happiness didn’t require documentation. You could have a good day and nobody needed to see it. You could go somewhere beautiful without immediately taking a picture. You could fall in love without announcing every detail. You could buy something nice without proving it to everybody. You could have a personal victory and simply enjoy it privately. You didn’t need an audience to confirm that your moment mattered.
Now we live in a world where people often feel pressure to document everything. The vacation has to be photographed. The dinner has to be photographed. The relationship has to be photographed. The birthday has to be photographed. The new car has to be photographed. The new body has to be photographed. The new house has to be photographed. Even personal growth sometimes becomes content. People aren’t simply healing anymore; they’re announcing that they’re healing. They aren’t simply becoming successful; they’re documenting every step of the success.
There’s nothing automatically wrong with sharing your life. Sharing can be fun. Sharing can inspire people. Sharing can create connections. The problem begins when you can’t enjoy something unless somebody else sees it. That’s when you have to ask yourself an uncomfortable question: if nobody could see this, would I still want it?
That question can expose a lot.
If nobody could see your clothes, would you still want them? If nobody knew where you traveled, would you still want to go? If nobody knew how much money you made, would you still want that career? If nobody knew you were in a relationship, would you still want that relationship? If nobody could compliment your appearance, would you still feel good about yourself?
Those questions aren’t designed to shame anybody. They’re designed to make us think. Because there’s a difference between enjoying something and needing recognition for having it. There’s a difference between confidence and constantly seeking confirmation that you’re desirable. There’s a difference between success and needing everybody to know that you succeeded.
THE VALIDATION TRAP
One of the biggest problems we’re dealing with is validation. Human beings naturally want to be appreciated. We want to be recognized. We want people to tell us that we’re doing well. There’s nothing strange about that. The problem comes when outside validation becomes the foundation of our self-worth.
When somebody posts a picture and receives hundreds of compliments, they feel good. Then they post another picture and receive fewer compliments, and suddenly they wonder what happened. Maybe the picture wasn’t good enough. Maybe they don’t look as attractive. Maybe people don’t care anymore. Maybe somebody else has taken their place. Before long, their emotional state starts being controlled by numbers on a screen.
That’s a dangerous place to live.
Because if other people have the power to make you feel valuable, they also have the power to make you feel worthless. If your confidence depends on compliments, what happens when the compliments stop? If your happiness depends on attention, what happens when the attention moves somewhere else? If your identity depends on being desired, what happens when somebody younger, richer, thinner, stronger or more popular gets the attention you used to receive?
That’s why validation can become a trap. It feels good in the beginning, but eventually you need more of it. You need another compliment. Another like. Another comment. Another person telling you that you look good. Another person telling you that you’re successful. Another person telling you that your relationship is beautiful. Another person telling you that you’re different from everybody else.
And eventually you stop asking yourself whether you’re happy and start asking whether everybody else thinks you’re happy.
That’s a major difference.
THE COMPARISON GAME NEVER ENDS
Comparison has always existed, but social media has taken it to another level. In the past, you might have compared yourself to people in your neighborhood, your workplace, your school or your social circle. Now you can compare yourself to millions of people before breakfast.
And the problem with comparison is that you’re usually comparing your behind-the-scenes to somebody else’s highlight reel. You know your bills. You know your arguments. You know your mistakes. You know your insecurities. You know what happens when the camera is turned off. But when you look at somebody else online, you’re usually seeing what they chose to show you.
That’s not a fair comparison.
You’re comparing your entire life to somebody else’s advertisement.
Imagine walking into a store and deciding that your life is inferior because the advertisement looks better than your living room. That’s essentially what we’re doing when we constantly compare ourselves to people online. We’re judging our reality against somebody else’s marketing.
And this can be especially damaging for young people who are still trying to figure out who they are. They’re still developing their confidence. They’re still learning what they value. They’re still discovering what kind of relationships they want. They’re still deciding what success means to them. Then social media comes along and gives them millions of examples of what they’re supposedly supposed to become.
Suddenly, everybody has to look a certain way. Everybody has to dress a certain way. Everybody has to have a certain body. Everybody has to have a certain relationship. Everybody has to make a certain amount of money. Everybody has to travel. Everybody has to be independent. Everybody has to be successful before a certain age.
And if you don’t have those things yet, you can start feeling like something is wrong with you.
THE LONELINESS BEHIND THE PERFORMANCE
Here’s the part that I think we don’t talk about enough: you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. You can have thousands of followers and still feel unseen. You can receive hundreds of comments and still feel like nobody really knows you.
That’s because attention isn’t the same thing as connection.
Somebody can watch every video you post and still have no idea what you’re actually going through. Somebody can like every picture you upload and never call you when you’re struggling. Somebody can comment heart emojis underneath your relationship picture and have no idea that you cried yourself to sleep the night before.
That’s the strange loneliness of the digital age. We have more ways to reach people than ever before, but reaching somebody isn’t the same as knowing somebody.
Real connection requires vulnerability. It requires being able to say, “I’m not okay.” It requires being able to admit that you’re scared. It requires being able to tell somebody that you made a mistake. It requires having somebody who can see you without the makeup, without the filters, without the perfect lighting and without the carefully written caption.
That kind of relationship can be uncomfortable because you can’t control the image. But that’s also what makes it real.
WE’RE PERFORMING SUCCESS
Another form of pretending is the constant performance of success. We’ve created a culture where people feel pressure to look like they’re winning all the time. Nobody wants to look like they’re struggling. Nobody wants to admit that they’re starting over. Nobody wants to say that they made a bad financial decision. Nobody wants to admit that their career didn’t work out. Nobody wants to say that they’re living with family because they need help. So instead, we perform success.
We show the car but not the payment. We show the vacation but not the debt. We show the clothes but not the credit-card bill. We show the restaurant but not the financial stress. We show the business but not the months when there were no customers. We show the success story but leave out the years of failure. Again, there’s nothing wrong with being proud of what you accomplish. You should be proud. The problem is when people start believing that they have to look successful before they’re allowed to feel worthy.
Failure doesn’t make you worthless. Starting over doesn’t make you worthless. Living modestly doesn’t make you worthless. Needing help doesn’t make you worthless. Being behind schedule doesn’t make you worthless. Life isn’t a race where everybody has to arrive at the same destination at the same age.
WE’RE PERFORMING RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships have also become part of this performance. People aren’t simply dating anymore; sometimes they’re displaying the fact that they’re dating. There’s a difference. A relationship should exist between two people before it exists for an audience.
But social media can create pressure to prove that you’re loved. You have to show the flowers. You have to show the dinner. You have to show the vacation. You have to show the anniversary. You have to show the gifts. You have to show the proposal. You have to show everybody that somebody chose you.
And sometimes that creates an unhealthy question: are you enjoying the relationship or are you enjoying being seen in the relationship? That’s not the same thing. There are people who are terrified of being alone because they believe being single makes them look undesirable. There are people who remain in unhealthy relationships because they don’t want to explain a breakup. There are people who stay with somebody they no longer love because they’re afraid of what everybody will think. There are people who tolerate disrespect because they don’t want their online image to change. That’s when the audience has become more important than the person living the life, and nobody should have that much control over your decisions.
WE’RE PERFORMING HAPPINESS
The performance of happiness may be the most exhausting performance of all. We’ve created this expectation that everybody should be positive, motivated and grateful all the time. If you’re having a bad day, you’re told to smile. If you’re grieving, somebody tells you to stay strong. If you’re angry, somebody tells you to think positively. If you’re struggling, somebody tells you that other people have it worse.
But sometimes you’re simply having a difficult day. You don’t have to turn every painful experience into an inspirational quote. You don’t have to immediately transform every wound into a lesson. Sometimes you need to sit with what happened and admit that it hurt. That’s part of being human.
Happiness isn’t the absence of pain. Happiness isn’t pretending that nothing bothers you. Happiness isn’t walking around with a permanent smile because you’re afraid somebody might discover that you’re struggling. Real emotional health allows you to experience the entire range of human emotions without believing that every uncomfortable feeling means something is wrong with you.
THE PRESSURE ON YOUNG PEOPLE IS REAL
This is where I especially want to speak to young people, because I don’t think enough older people understand what they’re facing. We can look at younger generations and say, “Why don’t you just put the phone down?” But that doesn’t fully address the world they’re living in.
For many young people, the phone isn’t simply a phone. It’s where their friendships exist. It’s where their entertainment exists. It’s where their social status is displayed. It’s where they discover trends. It’s where they find information. It’s where they communicate. It’s where they compare themselves to others. It’s where they sometimes make money. It’s where they sometimes find community. So telling them to simply disconnect isn’t always realistic.
What we have to teach them is how to use technology without allowing technology to use them. We have to teach young people that an algorithm doesn’t know their worth. A follower count doesn’t measure their character. A comment section doesn’t determine their future. A stranger’s opinion doesn’t define their beauty. A viral trend doesn’t define success. Most importantly, we have to teach them that they’re allowed to be ordinary sometimes.
They don’t have to become famous. They don’t have to be influencers. They don’t have to have a perfect body. They don’t have to be in a relationship. They don’t have to own expensive things. They don’t have to have their entire future figured out at twenty. They’re allowed to grow.
EVEN OLDER PEOPLE ARE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE PERFORMANCE
And let me be fair. This isn’t only a young-person problem. Older people are participating too. We may complain about younger generations being addicted to social media while secretly checking our own phones every few minutes to see who liked our post. We may laugh at young people for wanting attention while enjoying attention ourselves. We may criticize people for pretending to have perfect lives while carefully choosing what we show people about our own lives.
Human beings are human beings. Age doesn’t automatically make somebody immune to validation. The desire to be admired doesn’t disappear when you get older. The desire to feel attractive doesn’t disappear. The desire to feel successful doesn’t disappear. The desire to be respected doesn’t disappear. What should change as we mature is our understanding of what actually deserves our energy. At some point, you have to realize that impressing strangers isn’t the same as living well.
WHO ARE YOU REALLY LIVING FOR?
That’s the question I want everybody to ask themselves. Who are you really living for? Are you living for yourself, or are you living for an audience? Are you choosing your career because you love it, or because you want people to respect you? Are you buying things because you need them, or because you want people to know you can afford them? Are you dating somebody because you love them, or because being single makes you feel embarrassed? Are you working on your body because you want to be healthy, or because you need strangers to tell you that you look good? Are you traveling because you want to experience the world, or because you need photographs that prove you went somewhere? Are you posting your happiness because you’re genuinely happy, or because you’re trying to convince yourself that you are?
Those questions can be uncomfortable, but sometimes discomfort is exactly what we need. Because the person who constantly performs for an audience eventually forgets what they actually wanted before the audience arrived.
THE DANGER OF LIVING FOR OTHER PEOPLE
When you live for other people’s approval, you eventually give them control over your life. You start making decisions based on how things will look instead of how they’ll feel. You start choosing appearances over peace. You start choosing recognition over fulfillment. You start choosing status over substance.
And that can lead to a very strange kind of success where everybody thinks you’re winning except you. Imagine achieving everything you were told would make you happy and still waking up empty. Imagine having the house, the car, the clothes, the followers and the relationship, but still looking in the mirror and wondering why you don’t feel fulfilled.
That’s because possessions can decorate your life, but they can’t define your emotional health. Attention can entertain you, but it can’t heal you. Validation can encourage you, but it can’t become your identity. And an audience can applaud you without ever knowing you.
WE HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE REAL AGAIN
Maybe the answer isn’t to stop sharing our lives. Maybe the answer is to stop needing the audience so badly. Maybe we can post without needing approval. Maybe we can enjoy something without documenting it. Maybe we can have a bad day without pretending that everything is wonderful. Maybe we can admit that we’re struggling without feeling ashamed.
Maybe we can tell the truth. Maybe we can say, “I’m not where I want to be yet.” Maybe we can say, “I made a mistake.” Maybe we can say, “I’m lonely.” Maybe we can say, “I’m scared.” Maybe we can say, “I don’t know.” Maybe we can say, “I need help.” There’s strength in that.
Real strength isn’t pretending that nothing hurts. Real strength is being honest enough to face what hurts and mature enough to do something about it.
WE DON’T NEED PERFECT LIVES
I think we’ve been sold a dangerous idea that our lives have to look extraordinary to be valuable. Everything has to be bigger. The house has to be bigger. The vacation has to be better. The body has to be more impressive. The relationship has to look more romantic. The career has to sound more important. The children have to achieve more.
But maybe a good life doesn’t have to be spectacular. Maybe a good life is waking up healthy enough to appreciate another day. Maybe it’s having somebody you can laugh with. Maybe it’s sitting outside and enjoying the weather. Maybe it’s eating a good meal. Maybe it’s having enough money to pay your bills without losing sleep. Maybe it’s having a peaceful home. Maybe it’s being able to look in the mirror without hating yourself. Maybe it’s having a few people around you who genuinely care about you. Maybe that’s enough.
MY CLOSING THOUGHTS…
I think the Black community needs permission to stop pretending. We need permission to admit that sometimes we’re tired. We need permission to admit that sometimes we’re lonely. We need permission to admit that sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing. We need permission to admit that some relationships aren’t working, some dreams didn’t happen, some plans failed and some things hurt more than we expected. None of that makes us weak. None of that makes us failures. It makes us human.
We also have to stop measuring our lives against photographs. A picture can show you what somebody looked like for three seconds, but it can’t tell you what they felt for the other twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes of that day. You don’t know what happened before the photograph was taken. You don’t know what happened after it was taken. You don’t know what that person is carrying. So stop allowing somebody else’s highlight reel to become evidence that your life isn’t good enough.
And to the young people especially, I want you to understand something: you have time. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You don’t have to become somebody else because you’re afraid you’re falling behind. You don’t have to destroy yourself trying to create an image of success. Build your life slowly. Learn yourself. Make mistakes. Recover. Grow. Find people who appreciate the real you instead of people who only appreciate the version of you that looks good online.
And to the older people, we have some responsibility too. We can’t constantly criticize young people for the world they inherited while refusing to understand the pressure they’re under. We have to teach them something more valuable than how to look successful. We have to teach them how to live. We have to show them that peace matters. We have to show them that character matters. We have to show them that relationships matter. We have to show them that there’s nothing embarrassing about struggling and that asking for help doesn’t make somebody less of a person.
Because maybe the Black community isn’t actually tired of living. Maybe we’re tired of performing. Maybe we’re tired of pretending that everything is perfect. Maybe we’re tired of comparing ourselves to people we don’t know. Maybe we’re tired of trying to prove our worth to strangers. Maybe we’re tired of living for an audience that can disappear with the swipe of a finger. Maybe what we really need is to stop performing happiness and start building lives that give us something real to be happy about. And maybe the greatest freedom we can give ourselves is the freedom to say, without shame and without fear, “This is my life. It may not be perfect, but it’s mine, and I’m going to live it for me.”
SCURV
